Community and Loathing (Reverb11 – Dec. 16-17)

December 16

A Community I Love - Online & IRL we’re all part of a multitude of communities.  Tell us about one that moves you. [Prompt from GeekinHard]

And cue the “Move it Move it” song to start blasting through my head.

This is an easy question for me (maybe because I’m not a member of many communities), but my Twitter friends or community are what moves me the most. For many, it’s hard to imagine how an online community consisting mostly of strangers communicating in thoughts of 140 characters or less could be so rewarding, but it works.

Let’s face it: we’re all pretty busy. I don’t always have the time to sit down and write long e-mails, read blogs, and I’d rather cut my own bangs than have a phone conversation lasting more than 60 seconds. I do find time to do those things, but there’s no guarantee when I’ll get around to it (most likely after I have 250 unread blog posts in my Google Reader). In the meantime, Twitter allows me to keep up with people in short but frequent doses.

Through my years on Twitter, I’ve met some amazing people – some of them have actually become “IRL” friends, too. Unlike Facebook, which seems to be a place to reunite (stalk) people you used to know, Twitter is a place where you can somewhat anonymously get to know new people who share your interests.

 

December 17

Loathing - Who or what do you loathe and how have you expressed that in 2011? [Prompt from GeekinHard]

Loathing is something I’ve felt all too often in this last part of 2011. To many, I think it may have seemed that I loathed a lot of people or things, but it wasn’t that way. No. It boiled down to loathing our own situation. The fact that it wasn’t fair, that people have it so easy, that we aren’t deserving of this. I loathe the fact that we are broken and we don’t have a choice in it. I loathe feeling helpless and not being in control of my own life.

I still loathe those things. I don’t foresee that changing in the near future — it’s not something you can just “quit” feeling — but I do think it will get better.

How did I express it? Screaming, crying, apathy, sarcasm, ignorance, seclusion – I could go on, but that’s the gist.

Seclusion, by far, has been one of my most popular methods of dealing with these emotions – and it’s probably the most affective. It’s also one of the most difficult to explain to people I’m close to.

No, I’m sorry. I can’t go to your party. I’m busy washing my hair and loathing tonight.

Ok, so that’s not really the logic, but you get what I’m saying. Hubby has even gone as far as making up reasons why I haven’t been at events because, firstly, it’s hard to explain, and, secondly, to protect me from judgments or assumptions made by others who may not understand. Worse, they may assign emotions to me that just aren’t true (the biggest one has been jealousy – especially if I haven’t wanted to be around someone who is pregnant it’s because I’m jealous). 

Jealousy.

That’s a word I loathe.

I get it. I mean, it makes sense, right? Someone has something that everyone knows I can’t have. How can I not be jealous? Maybe in some ways I am, but it’s not over any particular situation. What makes jealousy especially offensive to me, though, is that it takes my pain and attributes it to being caused by someone. Like if they weren’t around, it wouldn’t be an issue. No. My pain is caused by something that is a constant factor in my life. Most of the times that I’m depressed or sad or crying, it’s by myself. It can be triggered by something as little as someone I barely know posting ultrasound photos on Facebook or some happy couples in a pregnancy test advertisement on TV (does anyone else just wish it would come out negative? Like HAHA! TAKE THAT! But I suppose that wouldn’t make a very good ad for the product). No one sees that. I don’t want them to see that. Sometimes I’m more sensitive. It’s random. Things that didn’t bother me one day will have me in tears the next and things I nearly had a break down over, I will say “meh” and shrug. (The good news is that I’m doing remarkably better at working through these things and being able to deal with more)

Listen, I get how people would think that I’m “the J word.” It isn’t a stretch to assume that – especially when I avoid baby centered events like I avoid those petitioners outside Wal*Mart (best excuse when confronted: “I’m sorry, I live out of state and am just here visiting a friend”). I do it because…there are just things I can’t do yet. Sometimes it’s because I worry about losing it in front of people or being trapped in the situation and not being able to get out. Sometimes I just don’t want to spend my free time being miserable. Worse, sometimes I worry that I will say snap and say something I don’t mean (actually, I probably do mean it, but I shouldn’t say it). Imagine it like this: picture you are The Biggest Loser and are having dinner at Applebees with your incredibly skinny model friends to celebrate the fact that they can eat whatever they want and NEVER get fat. You spend what seems like hours listening to them talk about how they just look at a treadmill and they drop 5 pounds (it’s SOOO EASY) as they shovel deep fried mozzarella sticks in their mouths. You do your best to smile, saying things like, “Yaaay. So happy for you skinny bitches. No, I love this lettuce leaf I’m eating. Mmmm.” Then comes dessert. One of them, who may or may not know you struggle with weight and now your diet only consists of gerbil food, casually asks “Are you sure you don’t want any cheesecake?” Snap. You punch her in her bony face yelling: “OMFG! DO YOU THINK I WANT CHEESECAKE? OF COURSE I WANT FREAKING CHEESECAKE. BUT I CAN’T HAVE ANY…NOW SHUT YOUR FACE!” Then you spend half an hour on the bathroom floor crying and drinking mini bottles of vodka you stored in your purse “for emergencies.”

That’s (more or less) what I worry about happening at, say, a baby shower.

I think I want to go make a cheesecake now.